Response to Freedom Club Proposal

Dear Mr. Hill,

I have reviewed your correspondence and find it lacking. To call it a proposal is an insult to me as a businessman, for there is nothing in the letter resembling business. Your failure to adequately address the matter has reduced Mr. Eckhard’s standing in my eyes. You are to apologize to him at once. Normally, a shoddily constructed…I am unsure what to categorize that letter as, it is clearly unworthy of being labeled an essay. An opinion perhaps? Yes, we will call it an opinion…Normally, a shoddily constructed opinion like yours would not be worthy of a response, but there is a cleverness to the nonsense you spout.

Cleverness is the currency of the internet, so perhaps you may be of some use.

You, Mr. Hill, sound like a small boy using all his big ideas at once in order to impress people on Reddit. You are obviously very proud of the two books you have read in your life, White Noise and Dark Ecology. It is unclear if you have read Frankenstein. The knowledge you display of the Creature and Mary Shelly comes from cartoons and Wikipedia. I am going to assume you have not read the original text which is another disappointment from you.

Regarding Dark Ecology, you very liberally copy Mr. Morton’s ideas about copying. Your words on the roots of culture are his. I can understand your desire to use them, for all his limitations, Mr. Morton is one of the few recent thinkers to introduce ideas worth exploring. Perhaps you mistakenly assumed he was too obscure and hoped to pass his ideas off as your own? Do not underestimate my intelligence like that again. I am widely read.

I will confess to a failing of my own. On first pass, I did not pick up on your level of sexual frustration. My attractive socialite wife pointed it out as she read your letter after our mid-afternoon intercourse. In my defense, I perform many simultaneous tasks and only give you a fraction of my attention. Nevertheless, your frustration is disturbing and must repel many women. Your letter is littered with references to miscarriages, praise of antisocial bombers, and has an unhealthy focus on the failure of copies. It is obvious that you do not have loving children. No father would refer to children as copies or blame them for environmental degradation. However, to have children, you need to fuck, which you clearly do not do.

I am already far too generous with my time however I do not wish to see you lost in a cabin making bombs. You need to find a peasant woman, one that is slow thinking and does not possess enough intelligence to care about the words that come out of your mouth. The women of the steppes have an amazing capacity to listen to astounding quantities of drivel and yet still display affection for their men. My grandfather was an idiot blowhard like yourself and he was happy to be with a big boned dimwit who enjoyed carnal pleasures. If it was not for her eternal patience, I would not exist today. While this Scarcity Christ you call Facebook has been zapping the attention spans of even our slowest creatures, I suspect you can still find such a woman in Moldova or the Ukraine. Since you possess America citizenship, it is likely that you will even get one who is of average beauty.

Because I am a man of business and cannot help every impotent beta who writes me, we must return to this Kaczynski project. The idea has potential, even if I am doubtful of yours. Like many tycoons, I have chosen to start a podcast network for the sake of vanity. Unlike vain tycoons, I realize how late I am to this game and that most promising talent is already reading advertisements for MailChimp and Tuna Biscuit Club. This reduces me to scraps such as yourself. While I can see through your big ideas and reduce them to nonsense, most people cannot. You play with heady subjects, you spin words back and forth, you turn ideas on their head and try (but fail) to connect them all together in meaning. Regular people can be fooled by you. You are not an original thinker like Morton, but you are a skilled cobbler. You understand how to tack different things on a sturdy idea and pretend it has value.

So, my sexual frustrated cobbler, my counter proposal is this. We will place you on a research retainer to develop the Freedom Club concept. If you can prove yourself worthy, we will promote you to rank of podcaster where we will distribute unlimited copies of your blather and perhaps you can fool a woman into fucking with you. Should you accept, we will send you $2,000 stipend and direct you to the Labadie Collection at the University of Michigan which houses the Kaczynski papers. Much like Mary Shelly, I suspect you possess only the most rudimentary knowledge of the man.

I have wasted so many words on you but hope that your cleverness proves yourself worthy of continued correspondence. In closing, never mention your telephone bill to me again. I have no care where it is posted.

With Regret,

Viktor Recel

“letter” by anniehp is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *